Ruminations. (aka: Masticate This.)

Nothing to Fear but Fear Itself (And a Bunch of Other Stuff, Too)
August 23, 2007, 12:12 am
Filed under: being a grownup, lifestyle, school, work

I’ve reached a point where I’m willing to say I’m scared. (I’m not yet willing to admit it to anyone but A, but we won’t go into my self-representation issues right now.)

I am honest and truly out of my mind scared shitless.

School is starting in about three weeks, and that’s a frightening thought in and of itself. I’ve struggled with myself for a while now about whether or not this program is right for me, and to be honest, I still don’t know for certain. It’s hard. I mean, it’s really hard. More people switch out of it to a different major than people stay in it. And those are people who are actually good at science. Me, I struggle to make sense of it all, working ten times as hard as my classmates just to reach a point where I think I know what’s going on.

I’m really worried that I’m wasting this year altogether and I’ll just end up switching out to plain old Biology, or Biology and Anthropology, which are subjects I’m also fascinated in, but find much easier than the whole Microbiology/Immunology area. What if I’m just not smart enough in this area to do it?

But I have to try, because if I don’t, I’ll end up wondering all my life if I could have done it and gone on to do the medical research I so want to do. I’m more scared of regretting not trying than failing a year of university.

Add to that I might be working two shifts a week. Oh, yes, I know. Real smart, considering the boat I’m in academically, but you know… I never do things the easy way, do I? So that’s another thing I’m scared of. Working at the same time as being in school. It’s not something I’ve ever done. What if I can’t handle it?

The thing is, I need to learn how to grow up, I really do. This is part of it, I know. Stress about education and work…

I’m just really frightened right now, for all these reasons, and it’s really quite stressful and all I can think of is… I don’t even have kids. People do this – my mother did this – with a family to look out for, and that’s got to be ten times worse and oh, Gods, will I be able to handle this when it comes to that point in my life?

I consider myself a pagan in the sense that I try to live in tune with nature. I call myself a witch because I use natural home remedies and use my willpower as an aid to the “real” way I do things. I honour the cycle of the year by celebrating holidays throughout the year, many of which are linked to a specific deity, but that I look at as a symbol of the turning cycle of life.

I pray a lot. I talk to God all the time. I don’t mean God in the Christian sense, and I don’t mean God in the “My Goddess is better than your Goddess” sense. I mean God as in the genderless, genderfull, all-pervasive, everlasting, intelligent energy that permeates this world and everything and everyone within it. I ask God for help all the time. I’m not a spell-casting type of witch. It’s not my thing. I ask God for help and I do my best to help along with my request by putting the effort in on my end.

Tonight, I’ll be praying pretty hard, because I’m pretty lost right now.

And, since it’s Wednesday… a haiku:

Fall 2007
Autumn nears, as does
Worry, School, Fear, and, I guess,
Hope shows her face, too


1 Comment so far
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Another college student here. 🙂 I too have the same fears that I’m just wasting away my time with my major… good luck with everything!

Comment by Teresa

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