Ruminations. (aka: Masticate This.)


Me? Demanding? Never!
August 20, 2007, 1:43 pm
Filed under: relationships

Sometimes I worry that I am too demanding.

I mean, I know that I can be pushy, bitchy, controlling, and mean – just ask my mother, or any other member of my immediate family – but I like to think that when it comes to A and I, I am respectful, understanding, and patient.

(Well, a girl can pretend, can’t she?)

I mean, I’m not awful to the poor guy. But, a conversation we had last night kind of tipped me off to something.

(About fifteen minutes of me being over-emotional and sensitive, followed by:)
A: Well, it just seems that I’m always messing up.
Me: You don’t always mess up.
A: But I do. We just had this same conversation last month, and I made a mental note to be more thoughtful about what I say, yet here I am again, making the exact same mistake!
Me: Yeah, but… That’s not always.
A: It’s still more than you!
Me: What do you mean? I know for sure I must say things sometimes that hurt your feelings.
A: In the three years we’ve known each other, you’ve only ever said one thing that hurt my feelings, and that was last month.
Me: Oh.
A: See? I don’t know what’s wrong with me.

I mean, do you see where my concern lies?

And I worry that I am causing this. I am scared that I am making him feel inadequate because I expect a certain level of thinking-before-speaking, thinking-before-doing, and treating-me-like-his-girlfriend-not-just-one-of-the-guys. Which, I realize is perfectly within my right as his girlfriend to expect.

And I prefer to be totally honest with him and full of open communication, so he knows what I expect of him as a human being and as my boyfriend, but maybe some things are better left unsaid. If only to save his self-esteem.

I mean, he can’t very well become a rockstar (his greatest dream, no doubt) with the sort of self-worth that he displayed in that conversation.

Or perhaps I am just over-analyzing this and this is all just a normal thing for relationships? I really don’t know. When I was with R, (my longest relationship to date – a year and seven months) nothing like this ever came up, but my relationship with R was not what I would consider Normal with a capital N. I was 16/17, he was 21/22 and I was trying my damndest just to keep up with him and appear worthy in his eyes, so there ya go.

In other news, A and I have our one year anniversary on the first of September (Primo de Septiembre, as Profesora Natalia would insist) and we are going to have our pictures done, as we have no nice (recent) pictures of the two of us. Wal-Mart’s portrait studio is very affordable and we are looking forward to it.

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