Ruminations. (aka: Masticate This.)

I am the worst kind of hypocrite. The kind that knows what her faults are, addresses them, makes a plan to change for the better, and then ignores said plan, all the while making preachy speeches about how important it is to know yourself so you can make yourself a better person.

Now, I don’t know about other people with this kind of hypocrisy, but as for myself: I’m lazy. I can plan and make lists and get everything ready, but when it comes down to the actual execution, my will goes out the door, and I’m back making the same mistakes and causing the same problems all over again. The worst part, of course, is that some of my most important relationships are being damaged along the way.

The foremost relationship getting hurt by this “problem” of mine is the one my mother and I share. Closely followed is my brothers’, and then my step-father’s, the latter of which just adds to the problems between my mother and I, understandably.

So, I am aware that I have some serious personality faults that I can change if I put my mind to it. Negativity is the most problematic, and a superiority complex follows closely. There are a number of others, but those two are the ones that cause the major problems. I eliminate them and I eliminate most of the little faults by default.

I’ve started a Yoga program. At the moment it’s only five minutes a day, but I think baby steps are the way to go. Even I can cough up five minutes a day to roll around on an exercise mat and do a little meditative breathing. My hope is that it will help me to focus my mind during the rest of the day, and maybe give me a chance to think before I speak or do.

I’ve also started this blog. I have another blog, which my friends and family are all privy to and I keep a lot of day-to-day ramblings and nonsense there, but this blog has another purpose. This blog’s purpose is to allow myself the opportunity to explore myself without having to worry about what D or M or A will think. This is truly my blog, in the most therapeutic of senses. I don’t plan on sharing this link with them, though I have no qualms about them reading it, should they find it.

So, this is my niche, to internalize, and perhaps, with any luck, grow a little.

Hello, world. Perhaps you will learn something, too.